The fashion gods are speaking to me

in the form of this skirt

It keeps crossing my path on pinterest and today Big Mama featured it on her fashion Friday edition. I need it. I'm a short person so I like these kind of skirts because I can wear is AS a skirt and maybe just roll it over a couple times OR I pull it all the way up and make it a dress and throw a cute cardi on over it to make it work appropriate. I think this one would be especially cute with a yellow cardi and a cute chunky necklace.

On another note - did you know tomorrow is WOLRD IBD DAY? You didn't? Now you do, support those in your life who suffer from IBD. There is a linkie-do over on the side for "Colliers Crohnies", you can click there to join my team for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation Take Steps Be Heard walk in San Antonio on October 6 OR you can donate to our team fundraising efforts and help with research and hopefully someday a CURE for IBD!

Ignorant people

should just not speak.

This is a paraphrased exchange that occurs AT LEAST TWICE a week where I work:

I'm sitting at my desk doing whatever and eating string cheese/pretzel sticks/applesauce/yogurt/almonds/sliced turkey (choose one) and this one specific person comes by my desk and EXCLAIMS "THAT is how you stay so tiny, you just eat all day long don't you girl?!" Umm, yes, by eating all day long I am able to retain this svelt figure.

What I want to say is ...um, no. I have been crapping blood for the better part of 9 years and when the pain became too much and I thought everything below my ribs was going come out my butt I decided it was time to have surgery. So, I had my colon removed, my rear sewn shut and now I make #2 out of a little rosebud made from my small intestine that sticks out through my belly.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. Geebus.

I can only HOPE that if I EVER have to go back on prednisone and get the lovely moon-face and gain a bajillion pounds that she will have something nifty to say like "oh, see - you shouldn't have been eating all the time!" Wonder what words of wisdom will be given when I lose the rest of my hair? Oh yes, I am losing my hair. It's just never a dull moment with Crohn's disease!

Elle Macpherson says

Maybe that could be the new "Simon Says"? Anyway, she really did say "Underwear is such an emotional thing."

Let me just preface this by saying that I get no monetary compensation or "in kind" gifts from any of the places that make the things I feature here. I just like the product (whatever it may be) and enjoy sharing with you the ways I use them.

That being said - I have found new underwear. *insert cheers from crowd here* Y'all, you know it is a JOURNEY to find underwear you like because you just.don't.know if you really like it until you get it home and wear those bad boys for a few days. I am no advocating wearing the same underwear for days at a time without changing them - please change and wash them and then wear again, k? Good. But you know what I mean - you put them in the rotation and get familiar with them before you run out and buy several pair.

A few weeks ago I was shopping at Tar-jay (please say it all uppity, won't you?) and came across some potentially life changing undies.

Seriously.LOVE.them! Let's just start off with the fact that they come in bikini, hipster OR brief - a style for everyone! They come in lots of different colors/patterns like the leopard print up there but also zebra print with lace trim, pretty floral, pink, black, nude. The kicker? There is a strip of silicone around the leg opening that keeps it in place on your butt!! They are anti-wedgie. We all know that we have some undies that just ride and ride until they are all bunched up - don't lie. No matter what you do or what you wear, it happens. I had some of those - they are long gone with the trash man.

These are on sale right now at Target stores and online and come in a 2pk for $11. I don't usually like to spend that much, I wait for the clearance rack at Kohl's and stock up at $1.80 each. But, I spent that extra money to try these out and love them so much I went back for 4 more pair. They are super pretty and feminine (especially the lacey ones) and don't feel "granny" at all. Well, I suppose if you got the briefs they may feel a little granny but I got the bikinis and the hipsters.

So, there you have it - fashion forward for your Saturday morning.

Things that make me do a little cartwheel in my heart

The smell that wafts towards me every few minutes from the Febreeze smelly thing I put on my desk at work.

That both my kids still ask to be tucked in at night.

When random objects take me back in time. For example on the way home today an Iroc-Z passed me on the highway. My dad used to have an Iroc-Z. That led me to another car my dad had, a Corvette with a removable top - it wasn't a convertible, you had to remove the top and the back part was still connected to the car. What do they call that? Anyway - it led me to that Corvette which led me to my sorority sister Kiki and the time we took said car out for a drive and it started to rain, so we pulled over and THOUGHT we had put the top back on. When I pulled away from a light the top flew off the car and tumbled down the lane behind us like a piece of construction paper. Ummm....what.just.happened? I proceeded on memory lane with Kiki and ended up remembering that she doesn't like to wear socks. At least she didn't back then - maybe she has changed her ways.

Leaving work at 2pm.

Looking at the line of profile pics on my Tastefully Simple team's Facebook page and seeing that nearly everyone has added the World IBD Day PicBadge to their profile picture. Go on over and add it to yours why don'tcha?

Being able to leave work at work. Geebus, it feels good to walk out the door and not carry any baggage home with me - JUST the kind of job I need!

All the little notes, cards, drawings, rocks (crystals!) that my youngest one brings home to me. Today it was 2 post it notes with the following blips written on them: ...is my mom. ....takes me places ....amazing ...gives me hugs and kisses ...is nice ....gives me hugs and kisses ...pretty ...reads me a book. I can only imagine that it was part of some mother's day project they are working on and they were asked to fill in the blank "I love my mom because..." I'm glad to know that he loves me because I give him hugs and kisses and that made the list twice. I always make him promise that he will ALWAYS let me give him hugs and kisses.

That I can eat what I want without having to preface it with "I'm gonna pay for this tomorrow".

Vampire movies. Yes. Vampire movies. Didn't know that about me didya?

That Dr. PottyMouth feels comfortable enough with me to ask me to send her those Noxzema eyebrow shaper razor thingies. You don't ask JUST ANYBODY to send something like that :)

That I can talk to my mommy tomorrow on my way to work because she works from home on Thursdays.

Unconditional love from a man when I feel like I don't deserve it.

Being able to put my babies on the bus every morning and see them hop off every afternoon.

Actively participating in life.

That last one sounds pretty "duh", like that makes everyone happy and you shouldn't have to announce it. But I can't take it for granted. There were plenty of times when life was just pushing me along. Days passed, then it was weeks and hell there was even a time when months passed that I was just being. Existing. Along for the ride. For the first time in a LONG time I am a participant on this ride! Damn it's fun.

I think you know what time it is...

*DISCLAIMER* there is NOTHING fashion related in this blog post. You have been warned.

I wish I could come up with something witty to say, but I can't. For the past 36ish or so hours I've been on a sort of inward spiritual journey that no one else knew about. First, Sarah over at A Girl With Guts blogged about being married to a disease and the whole caretaking role. That threw me into an emotional tailspin because not only do I have a TOTALLY AWESOME spousal unit who takes the most amazing care of me (like YELLING at me when I am being a bad patient and not taking my medicine because "I feel good!") and has had to do things for/to me that a spouse should NEVER have to do to their partner. I have a super supportive extended family who never give up on me no matter what. Thrown into a flare and have a 9month old son at home - one call to mom and son is off to LIVE WITH HER while amazing husband takes care of me.

Hit another flare when I am living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and amazing husband is off playing Navy/Marine Corps in Afghanistan - super supportive mom flies to tiny island, packs up kidlets and myself and flies us back to continental US.

Hit another flare that is like no other flare I have ever had, decide it is time to STOP THE INSANITY and put this mother effing disease in its place. Call super supportive mom and she is on the next plane headed south, ends up at the wrong airport, takes a Greyhound bus to get to me and then proceeds to spend the next 2 months watching me fight for my life.

And here is where I had a reflection - people kept telling me how strong I was (they still do), how they couldn't believe I hadn't had a breakdown yet because they sure as hell would have. I know why I didn't break down on the outside - I was sure as shit falling apart on the inside. My mom. She had never really experienced my disease in this way. She had never seen me THIS sick. She had never seen the needles, the IVs, the monitors, the tests - the blood....dear baby Jesus the blood. It is/was "normal" to me. How screwed up is that. It was NORMAL to me? Sheesh, what has this disease done to me that all that is NORMAL?! I couldn't fall apart because I needed her to be strong for me. She didn't know how to deal with all this stuff, so I had to show her. I had to be strong so that she would be too because I NEEDED MY MOMMY. Is this even making any sense? Because in my brain it makes sense but as I type it I don't think it is coming out right.

Then yesterday Sarah (A Girl With Guts) posts on her facebook the question "who are you?" AFTER I JUST BLOGGED ABOUT IT! Coinky dink? I don't think so. I think it was God reinforcing what I blogged - reminding me that I am SO MUCH MORE than this shit-tastic disease that has defined me for the past nearly 9 years. It was like a little poke - "yeah, I saw what you blogged and I am gonna make sure someone that you respect and admire poses that same question so you know you are not alone". Not as eloquently put as I would have liked it to be but I am trying to just let the fingers go here people!

THEN Jackie over at Blood, Poop and Tears blogged THIS about suicide and wow. Just wow. I had to pick myself up, say a little prayer to the colo-rectal gods and give a little shout out to Dr. PottyMouth all at the same time. Jackie, I hope you don't mind if I quote you here:

Why am I battling this?
It would be so much easier to give up.
I am such a burden to my family and friends.
They don’t deserve this.
I’m worthless.
I’m a waste.
I’m messed up.
I’ll never be normal.
No one will ever love me.
This is too hard.
It’s not worth the fight anymore.

*tweet*tweet*chirp*tweet* Are you still there? I know that last part is hard to read. It is scary. No one has ANY idea (until now LOL!) how many times those things passed through my mind. Oh how many times, I couldn't even begin to imagine. Except the No one will ever love me one - that one I usually switched around to sound something like "at some point he is going to get tired of my shit (literally) and leave with my kids and there is nothing I am going to be able to do about it because I can't even take care of myself let alone 2 little boys". God I hate this disease. Like it isn't bad enough what it does to your body physically - it has to go and screw with you mentally too. Thanks for that.

THEN - MCA dies battling cancer. WTF? Okay, I was kinda dazed when Michael Jackson died. I was sad that a great entertainer was gone - more sad really that my kids lost out on what future music he would produce and that they would never see him perform live. But MCA? It's different. The music - the beats. The lyrics. They spoke to - OF my youth. Can you seriously be a child of the 80s and NOT KNOW the Beastie Boys? But more than that - he was fighting a CHRONIC DISEASE. He was YOUNG by all accounts. He wasn't DONE living life - there was SO.MUCH.MORE. And THAT is what got me square in the chin. eff uuuu ceeee kay. Chronic disease. Kills people. They die - young. And younger. And way too young. Whoa. It was just a LOT for me to process - there was some real deep shit rollin' through what little grey matter I have left between the ears. I said on Facebook earlier - I cannot even put the thoughts running through my head into coherent sentences. And I still really can't. I can't make them make sense when I type them - or say them. They only make sense to me on the inside. Maybe if you know me you know what I am talking about. But damn. Just damn.

It's time to get ill.

That is my cousin's calf. Yes, he has the Beastie Boys tattoo'd on his calf. They spoke to his youth too :) RIP MCA.

In the words of Anthony Michael Hall

Who.are.you? Whoareyou? Pen flip to the nose and.....

I am a mother

I am a wife

I am a daugther

I am a sister

I am a figther

I am an entreprenuer

I am a business owner

I am a professional

I am sarcastic

I am 38

I am compassionate

I am a friend

I am petite

I am a survivor

I am impulsive

I am a coffee addict

I am a homebody

I am a hostess

i.AM.crohn's.disease!